The Payne household might be a little cramped, but their discomfort is our entertainment. Funny lines, like the ones below, are bound to be said when that many people are under one roof. So enjoy a good laugh and tell us what your favorite quote from the show is on our House of Payne message boards!


very funny quotes from Tyler Perry's House of Payne:

"C.J. and Calvin think Batman can beat Superman."
- Delante in Bully and the Beast

"It's a bird, it's a plane...it's your jobs! Get back to work! I don't pay you to hang out and talk about Superheroes."
- Curtis in Bully and the Beast

"Little girl, don't make me get your uncle's belt."
- Ella in Bully and the Beast

"Little girl, don't make me get your uncle's belt."
- Ella in Bully and the Beast

"Hey, the Bible says, 'get the rod, beat your child'."
- Curtis in Bully and the Beast

"You look like a candidate for a beat down."
- Madea in Bully and the Beast

"For someone who's a stay at home mom, you never stay at home."
- Curtis in Bully and the Beast

"You look like you're about to do a commercial for Dark and Ugly."
- Claretha in I Can Cry If I Want To

"Chief, no disrespect, but you look like a fat black Elvis."
- Keenan in I Can Cry If I Want To

"Curtis, stop being childish."
"I'm not childish. I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks on you."
- Ella and Curtis in I Can Cry If I Want To

"Before your father passed away, I promised him I'd look out for you. Had I known your house was going to burn down, I would've never made that promise."
- Curtis in I Can Cry If I Want To

"If I'm in the bathroom doing my business, I don't want nobody knocking on the door rushing me."
- Curtis in I Can Cry If I Want To

"That's what kids do. They eat, sleep and get in your way."
- Curtis in More Than Meets the Eye

"Boy, if you ever play with matches, I'll come bust you. Get it? Combustion. Come bust you. Whew! I'm smokin'!"
- Curtis in More Than Meets the Eye

"Excuse me. 'Boo-Ya' is not in the dictionary."
- Delante in More Than Meets the Eye

"This is my fault. I dropped you on your head when you were little."
- Curtis in More Than Meets the Eye

"Curtis, you need a spam blocker to keep junk from coming out of your mouth."
- Ella in More Than Meets the Eye

"Boy, you went to private school. You're about as gangsta as Martha Stewart."
- Curtis in More Than Meets the Eye

"I'm not going to hell for a handbag."
- Ella in Busted

"See, if I kill you, you can't pay me back. Now, go get me a beer and a pork chop."
- Curtis in No Money, Mo' Problems

“Just because you don’t know who your daddy is, don’t take it out on us.”
“Don’t talk about my daddy. I have it narrowed down to three and they are all really good men.”
- CJ to nurse in Labor Paynes (Part 1)

“If your lips touch me I will rip them off your face.”
- Janine in Labor Paynes (Part 1)

“You see that kid in the inflatable pool? The one that's farting? That’s our Jacuzzi.”
- Malik in A House is not a Home

“CJ, how is your new place.”
“It’s not that bad."
“He’s lying. That place is a third world country.”
- Ella with CJ and Curtis in Home Alone

“Listen, Baby, people express love in different ways and your dad just expresses it by not really expressing it.”
- Miranda to Calvin in Meet the Lucases

“Oooh, that’s why I love you--‘cause you nasty!”
- Calvin to Miranda in Your Wife is a Payne

“I can jaywalk if I want to—I’m the fire chief. I can j-k-l-m-n-o-p across the street if I want to!”
- Curtis in Casa de Payne

“Alright, Cousin Calvin, I like girls too, but eeew.”
- Malik in Casa de Payne

“And when she gets here, Baby, please take that look off your face.”
“This look comes with Claretha. This look and gas.”
- Ella and Curtis in Casa de Payne

“Wow, a lot has changed. You let old women sit in your chair now?”
- Calvin to Curtis in Casa de Payne

“Baby, Baby, be quiet. C.J.’s gonna breastfeed the baby.”
- Curtis to Ella in Labor Paynes (Part 2)

“I went for a walk.”
“Did you walk past the nuthouse? Because you shoulda checked yourself in.”
- Janine and Curtis in Labor Paynes (Part 2)